The hole that remains
by FragilePuzzle
Summary: When Mello leaves the orphanage, how will Matt and Near cope? Will Matt finally confess the feelings he's had for Near this whole time? MattxNear, a bit of MelloxNear, oneshot, slightly AU, but not much. Request for "Threshie". Rated to be safe.


This is a request fic for the awesome "Threshie" since one of her favorite alternative pairings is MattxNear. I swear, she's making me more open-minded to more pairings…enjoy, I guess! By the way, I'm always open for requests, so let me know in a review or PM if you want me to write a Death Note fanfiction for you! I do any pairing, whether it be yaoi, het, or yuri~

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It was a chilly winter day at Wammy's house, and none of the children were allowed to go outside for fear of frostbite. This irked Near to no end, because if the children weren't outside, it meant they were inside—the place he spent almost all of his time. The small 13-year old grabbed his Rubix cube and left the cozy sanctuary of his room, making his way to the playroom, already anticipating the hell that was there.

Sighing softly, he shuffled down the hall in his sock feet, already having solved the Rubix cube three times before he had even reached the playroom. Sometimes he didn't know why he bothered, but he needed something to pass away the time. Preferably something interesting, but nothing much interested him anymore. Everything was so…boring. Puzzles were too easy, and robots could only hold his attention for so long. He wished that maybe he could get up the courage to ask somebody to play with him, but he knew that even if he asked, they'd probably say no. Even though he would never admit it, as he hardly admitted it to himself, he missed Mello.

The fiery blonde had left just a few weeks ago, claiming he would find Kira his own way. Everybody thought he would be back in a few hours, maybe a day or so, but Near had known better. If Mello said he was going to do something, he would do it. Near knew that the blonde wouldn't be back without Kira's head in hand, and he would only come back to rub his victory in Near's face.

Peeking around the corner, Near saw Matt, sitting on the floor with his back up against the corridor wall. Near felt a lot pity towards the redhead. Mello had been his best friend, and Near was betting that either Mello didn't tell Matt he was going to leave, or he told him he would be back in a little while. Near noticed that Matt's shoulders were shaking slightly, and he was wiping his eyes every few seconds, making small sniffing and hiccupping noises.

'Is he…crying?' wondered Near, clutching the Rubix cube tighter in his hand.

Matt looked up slightly, thinking he heard something, but put it back down into his hands when he realized there was nobody there. However, he nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a small rustle of clothing coming from beside him. Drying his eyes as best as he could, he slipped his goggles back down so whoever was beside him wouldn't be able to see how puffy and red his eyes were. Looking up, he saw that it was Near beside him. NEAR, of all people.

Matt just gave him a small wave and nod as acknowledgement as he stood up, but Near didn't do or say anything. The small boy just twirled a stray lock of hair around his finger, holding his Rubix cube tightly in his free hand. Slowly, he raised his onyx eyes, which, in truth, scared Matt a little. It always seemed like they could stare right into you, revealing all of your secrets. Nothing was safe from them. Matt tried hard to keep down a blush, as having Near catch him crying was really embarrassing. He had been in love with the younger boy, going all the way back from when Near first arrived at the orphanage.

---Flashback---

Matt was playing soccer with Mello and some other kids at the orphanage when a black car pulled into the gates of Wammy's. As soon as it slowed to a stop, Roger stepped out and opened the backseat door, extending his hand to whoever was inside. Ignoring the offered hand, a small, white puffball climbed out of the car, a small breeze ruffling her head of curls. She turned and looked at the other kids playing soccer until her eyes cam to rest on Matt in particular, staring at him innocently and cutely. Matt was so busy staring back, the soccer ball hit him in the head and he was knocked to the ground, almost getting stampeded on by the other kids running after the ball. The small girl just turned her head away, going back to ignoring Matt.

Forgetting all about the game, Matt quickly ran over to her as Roger talked with some other grown-ups.

"Hi!" he said cheerily, getting kind of nervous, as he was only about a foot away from the girl. "My name is Matt, I'm seven years old, and I like to play Pokemon! What about you?"

"My name is Na—…Near," she said quietly. "I am six, and I enjoy playing with toys, preferably robots and puzzles."

Matt just looked at her in awe. She was probably the coolest girl he had ever met, cause most of the other girls at the orphanage didn't play with robots and puzzles, only Barbie dolls.

"You're v-very pretty!" he stuttered. "And i-it's cool that you l-like to play with robots instead of Barbies!"

Near got a very confused look on her face, one of her tiny hands going up to curl a lock of her platinum hair around her index finger.

"Thank you for the compliment, but is it not normal for boys to play with robots instead of Barbies?" Near asked quietly, still twirling a white curl.

Matt flushed a deep red when he realized that Near was not a cute little girl, but a cute little boy. He had a crush on another BOY…weren't boys only supposed to like girls? Than that meant that since Near was a boy, he wouldn't like him!

"I…I…nothing!" he said, running back towards the other kids playing soccer.

Matt couldn't focus on the game, as he knew that Near was watching him from afar, so he quit a few minutes before the game was over, preferring to go back inside. Running back up to his room, he decided that if liking Near made him weird, then he would be weird. From that day on, he would secretly watch the pale boy, making sure Mello never caught him.

---End Flashback---

"Hey, Near!" he said, trying not to reveal how hoarse his voice was.

"Matt," he replied. "Is there a problem? Matt seemed to be crying a few moments ago."

"Me? Crying? Nah, I'm totally fine! You okay?" he said cheerily.

Near just nodded in response. He wondered how Matt could act so cheery, as his best friend had just left him. Near, although you would never be able to tell on the surface, was having a hard time dealing with the blonde's absence as well. He had known both Mello and Matt ever since he arrived at the orphanage, and it was strange, now that one of them was gone. There was a missing link now, a gaping hole where there was supposed to BE something. However, since Near never displayed any emotions anyway, he knew that nobody would be able to tell if he was feeling sad or depressed.

Nodding once to acknowledge that he was leaving, Near began to make his way down the hall, as he wanted to enjoy one of the few days he was able to have a slight break while working on gathering evidence for the Kira case. Granted, he did make up his own schedule, but still, he wouldn't deal with any slacking or failure. No, if he were to make mistakes, he could not be considered L's successor. He needed to surpass L, to stomp on L, to be KNOWN as L. Once he was done, nobody would even remember L. He respected the detective for giving his life in pursuit of the Kira case, but L had lost. As much as he had loved L, Near needed to win. This battle between Kira and the house of Wammy was nothing more than a game.

As Matt would say, "L had just lost the game."

But, as for Near? He wouldn't lose. He didn't accept failure, and there was no way that he would ever lose to a demented scumbag like Kira.

"Near, wait," said Matt, who still hadn't moved a muscle. "You miss him too, don't you?"

Near seemed to think about this for a moment, stopping and twirling his hair a little harder than normal. Turning around, he still didn't show any sign of emotion. Emotion only caused pain and vulnerability, and showing it only made you a weak person.

"May I ask whom Matt is referring to?" asked the petite boy, beginning to solve his Rubix cube without taking his eyes off of the redhead.

"You know exactly who I'm talking about. If you need me to make it any clearer, I'll say his name. Mello."

"Mello…? I can say that I do not miss Mello. He was arrogant and selfish, never thinking about anybody but himself. Mello has only caused misery for everybody he has let into his life."

"No. He was not selfish, and he did not cause everybody misery!" Matt said, getting slightly angry at Near for dissing his best friend.

"Yes, Mello did. If Matt does not realize that by now, Matt should not be at Wammy's."

Matt walked over to Near, all of his pent-up emotions bubbling to the surface. Even though he was mad, he realized it wasn't at Near. It was at Mello. However, Near was the closest thing around, so Near was going to have to deal with his anger.

"How can you say something like that?" Matt asked. "If it weren't for you, Mello would have never left!"

"Matt should realize that I had nothing to do with Mello's leaving," said Near, his voice growing icier by the second. "Mello made a decision, and I did not have anything to do with it. If Matt will excuse me, I think I will be going now."

With that, the small boy walked down the hall, turning the corner. He was not headed to the playroom, but back to his bedroom. Walking in and gently closing the door behind him, he made his way over to his bed. Feeling slightly claustrophobic in the tiny room, he opened the top drawer to his dresser and lifted up a stack of pajama bottoms. Underneath, there resided a small picture. It was about a 4x6 glossy photo of a young blonde boy. The slight glint in his eye and playful smirk on his face suggested that he thought he was going to hold the world in the palm of his hand one day.

"Mello…" he quietly whispered. "Mello is so stupid sometimes…"

Sitting down on his bed, he brought a knee to his chest as he customarily did, his back facing the door. Setting the photo down on his pillow, he looked at it for a moment before letting a small sob escape his mouth. Then another. Just a few more and it began to become impossible to control. It was so easy to cry, letting his pent-up emotions show, and he couldn't help himself. He had to let the tears escape his eyes, to drip down his cheeks, and to hit the bedspread with tiny, dull thuds. Little pools of water collected on his sheets as he clutched his blanket in his hand, trying to stop the emotions that were welling up so fast now that there was a hole in his defenses.

Little did Near know, Matt had followed him back to his bedroom, wanting to apologize for being a giant ass, and the stripe-clad boy was peeking through a crack in the door. Near's shoulders shook slightly, but he made no noise, and if it weren't for the fact that he had been there, he wouldn't have even thought it was possible that Near was crying.

Matt however, was quite the klutz. Leaning forward to try and see a little bit more, the redhead tripped and clattered through the door with a loud crash. Near quickly turned around, his tearstained eyes surveying the scene and seeing Matt flat on his face, sprawled out on the floor. Despite it was quite obvious he had just been crying, the petite boy struggled to put his normal, emotionless face back on.

"Is there s-something Matt needs?" Near choked out, damning himself for stuttering.

"I KNEW you missed him!" exclaimed Matt, pointing an accusing finger at Near, his eyes resting on the picture of Mello lying on the pillow.

Near was silent for a moment but then he decided there was nothing he should have to hide from Matt, nothing that the situation didn't already reveal, so he stopped trying to think of excuses. Picking up Mello's photo, he stared at it, his eyes hollow and filled with pain. Matt could relate only too well, as he used to spend every night doing the same thing Near was now. Despite what both Near and Matt said, Mello had played a big part in their dysfunctional little family.

"Yes, despite the common belief, I am not a robot, and I do possess emotions. I can feel exactly the same way Matt and anybody else does. However, just because I possess emotions like sadness, anger, happiness, and love, does not mean I feel the need to express them."

Matt looked shocked, but felt bad when Near let a small look of sadness flicker on to his face at seeing his surprised expression. Matt realized that Near probably thought somebody might have the sense to realize he was a person, just like them, but nobody ever had. Everybody at the orphanage, including Matt, had always seen him as an untouchable deity, and that combined with Mello's hatred for him had prevented Matt from ever getting to really know the small boy.

"I would have thought that Matt would know that I am as human as any other child my age. I suppose I was wrong…I will admit, I am not used to the feeling."

"What feeling?" asked Matt, stepping into the room more and shutting the door behind him. "Are you not used to…the feeling of actually feeling stuff?"

"Matt, as I said earlier, I do feel things. However, that does not mean I express those feelings. It is impossible to not ever feel anything. The next best thing would be not to show those feelings, therefore denying their existence. Feelings only make people weak, and if I am to show feelings, that would make me weak. Weak people are not suited for being the next L."

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard," said Matt, frowning and crossing his arms.

Near looked up, a slight trace of curiosity in his eyes, and waited for Matt to explain what he meant by that.

"I mean, really. Just 'cause you show emotions doesn't make you weak! Emotions are like, what separates people from other animals, and they're totally normal!" Matt continued, looking straight at Near.

"Emotions bring nothing but pain and misery," he bluntly stated, twirling his hair and setting the picture of Mello on the nearby nightstand.

"That's not true…what about happiness?" suggested Matt.

"There would be no such thing as happiness if there was not sadness," Near argued.

"Okay, but you can't tell me that love brings misery and pain. Love…it's gotta be the best thing in the world. It's what keeps us goin' you know?" he said, slowly walking over to the bed and sitting down next to Near.

"All love ends in heartbreak," said Near quietly, looking down at the space separating himself from Matt. He seemed slightly nervous, as he was squirming a little, like he was trying to get comfortable. Matt wondered if he was nervous because he sat down on the bed.

"Not all love…" whispered Matt softly.

Matt leaned over and gently grabbed on to Near's chin, forcing the younger of the two to look up at him. Grabbing on to his goggles with his free hand, the redhead pulled them off of his head, revealing his bright green eyes to Near. Slowly bringing his face closer to Near's, he kissed the smaller boy, pulling away after about a second or two. However, Near leaned back in, capturing Matt's lips in another tender kiss. Matt willingly kissed back, wrapping an arm around Near's torso and bringing their bodies closer together. Near remembered how Mello had kissed him, only a few days before L died. He was not as gentle as Matt, and his kisses were dominating and rough, forcing his lips open and making him completely submissive. Matt took his time, slowly teasing Near's lips open and massaging their tongues together, making him want more.

After pulling away, Matt quickly stood up and went to leave the room, being halfway out before Near spoke up.

"Matt…before you leave, I request that you allow me to ask you two questions," he said, still breathing unevenly.

Matt turned around, partially upset because Near didn't ask him to stay, or tell him he loved him, or anything like that. But Matt knew that Near wasn't that kind of person. Even if he had feelings for somebody, he'd rather die than admit it.

"Do you recall the day we met?" asked Near, continuing when he saw Matt nod. "Did you think I was a girl? Please answer honestly."

"…Y-yeah, I kinda thought that you might'a been a girl…maybe," he muttered, blushing and looking at the floor.

"Did you kiss me because you still view me as a female?"

"N-no!" stuttered Matt, quickly looking back up again. "I-I know you're a boy! I-I just kinda had a crush on you…ever since I met you."

"I understand," he said, standing up off of his bed and brushing invisible dirt off of his crisp white pajamas. "Thank you."

From that day onward, Matt and Near had a small agreement. Matt could kiss Near as often as he wanted, as long as nobody was watching, and in return, Matt had to stay as far away as possible from Near. Eventually, it came time for Near to leave the orphanage and take over for L. Once again, Matt was left all alone. A few days after Near left, Matt decided to go on his quest to find Mello.

The two never met again.

---Several years later---

"Near," said the voice that flickered on to the monitors. "This is L."

"Yes, L? Is there some reason you contacted me? Are there any new developments on the Kira case?" Near asked, knowing there wouldn't be, as L was Light Yagami, who was actually Kira himself.

"Mello…well…he died, along with Takada. They burnt to death in a church," said Light, his voice dripping with fake sorrow. Near could practically see him smirking like the Cheshire cat on the other end of the line.

Near clenched his fist in anger and pain, twirling his hair so hard he accidentally ripped a few strands out. Resisting the urge to let a few tears slip out of his eyes, he spoke up, his voice practically a whisper.

"Is there anything else…that you might care to tell me?"

"Yes. Turn on your TV to channel 47."

Near nodded at Gevanni, who quickly flipped one of the many monitors on the wall to channel 47. The sound was muted, but Near saw a sight that he didn't think he would ever have to see. There was an anchorperson talking about something, but in the corner of the screen, there was a picture of a red sports car. Now, there weren't very many red sports cars in Japan, and especially not ones that were imported from Italy.

Matt's car was one of the few exceptions.

The car was shot full of bullet holes, and it was completely destroyed. Near began to lip-read what the anchorman was saying, and he said something along the lines of "A heavily-armed man who had assisted in kidnapped Miss Takada, has been recently gunned down. The police regret this tragedy; however, they had no choice but to shoot him. We have not been able to find any information on the man, but police are still searching. He was an estimated 20-year-old male, about 5'5" with red-brown hair and green eyes. It appears he had a habit of smoking, and there were also a pair of orange-tinted goggles on his head. Please contact us if you have any information pertaining to this."

"It looks like the man who was shot was just one of Mello's little underlings, but I thought you might want to know," said Light. "I mean, I don't even see how he was important enough to make it on to the news."

"Maggot…" hissed Near loudly. "Take it back."

"What?" Light asked. "What are you talking about?"

Near only let a single tear slip from his eye as he looked at the TV again, remembering how Matt always had a slight inferiority complex. He always thought that he was no good, not even important enough to be considered one of L's true successors. As Near stood up, still clenching his fists, he whispered one more thing into the microphone before flicking it off.

"I will catch you…Kira."

Turning the microphone off without any warning, Near stood up out of his chair, still clenching his fists and biting his lip. Now that L, Mello, and Matt were gone, he was left all alone. There was nobody left for him. He wouldn't let their deaths go to waste. He would catch Kira, no matter what the cost.

Walking back to his small bedroom, ignoring the questions of the other SPK members, he shut and locked the door behind him. Walking over to his dresser, he lifted up a stack of PJ bottoms. There were two small photos underneath, each probably a 4x6 glossy. There was one of a small blonde boy with a slight glint in his icy blue eyes and playful smirk on his face suggested that he thought he was going to hold the world in the palm of his hand one day. The other was of a slightly taller boy with reddish-brown hair and bright green eyes, a pair of orange-lensed goggles resting on his head. He was grinning happily, and the picture reminded Near of how Matt used to smile at him like that.

"You lied to me, Matt…" he whispered, putting the two pictures on the nightstand next to his bed. "You promised that not all love ended in heartbreak."

Swearing to the memories of L, Mello, and most importantly, Matt, Near vowed to avenge them. There had to be a reason why the three sacrificed their lives, and Near would figure it out at any cost.

Standing up firmly, he dried his tears and walked back out into the main room. All of the other SPK members were sitting there, and they quickly stood up, awaiting what he had to say.

"I believe there is a possibility of a fake notebook."

Light Yagami was going down.


End file.
